Social Eating and Social Drinking

We drink to an alarming excess. It seems that every social event that we attend these days revolve around two things. Food and alcohol. I love to grab a beer or two with friends. And there is nothing better than a cold beer on a hot summer day at the lake. And gatherings with family and friends. Fuhgeddaboudit! I’m all in on trying a helping or two of every dish on the serving table.

We so rarely get together with others when it does not revolve around food or alcohol. I get it. I mean, we all have to eat, right? And when we are celebrating, what better way than with a cold one or two. I very recently had a high school reunion. There were several events planned for that weekend. Some involved food and drink. Others did not. I decided that I was not going to attend the events that weekend. This reunion happened to take place when I was at a point in my life where fitness and athleticism had emerged back into my life. I had also started writing my book No Law, and felt that it would be inappropriate for me to overindulge in food and drink. Instead of attending the reunion events where I knew that I would over eat and likely drink way too much, I spent time working out, working in the yard, and enjoying the company of my family and close friends that I did not grow up with. We had dinner, and a few drinks, but not even close to the excessive nature that I may have taken it had I attended the reunion.

If you want to develop self-control, take control of your calendar.

Sticks and Stones

We often do not realize just how powerful our words are. I am often reminded of how powerful my words can be when one of my older children will tell me something that I said in passing that they thought was so profound. Eleven times out of ten, I have no recollection of ever saying the words that they took to be so profound.

One of the keys to developing gentleness is to always be mindful of things that we say. We can’t just fly off of the handle and say the first thing that comes to mind. This type of reactionary word-smithing usually does more harm than good, especially when discussions get heated. We must be intentional with our speech. Whenever I would come home as a grade-schooler and tell my mother about something that a fellow student said about me or called me at school, my mother would say, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” To an extent, she was correct, and she helped me develop a great deal of character in that I often would not react to teasing and name calling. However, she was only about half correct in that words can indeed hurt those that are not as self-confident or do not possess a high self-esteem. Be mindful of the words that you use and the things that you say.

If you want to develop gentleness, be thoughtful with your words and actions.

Trust in Timing

Despite all of my faith in the process, I do tend to get a bit antsy, hoping for everything to happen immediately. I know that this will not be the case as my timing and my lack of patience will not serve me through this course of time. The Beatles did not become an overnight success that we all want to believe that they did. They spent years perfecting their sound in front of very few people. Once their music made it to the right hands, they gained popularity and they gained it fast. Here in America, we like to believe that people just kind of spring up from out of nowhere and become sensational. This is not the case. Steph Curry did not become as good of a shooter as he is by playing in the NBA. He became a good shooter because he worked at it. And naturally, his hard work was noticed by more people when it made it to the right hands—the NBA. As a result, more people were exposed to just how good he was. Of course, most of us had not heard of him, so we considered him an overnight success.

If you want to develop faithfulness, learn to be patient.

Choose to be Morally Good

Some people seem to have this down, and others not so much. Why is that? Well, it starts with a conscious choice to “be good.” We all have the choice as to whether we are going to eat the candy when mom turns her back. We all have the choice as to whether we are going to tell her when she returns. And the candy probably tasted good when you first put it into your mouth, but after you ate it and heard her coming back into the kitchen and you started planning your reply, it probably didn’t make you feel very good, did it? That is your conscience at work. That is when you definitely know the difference between goodness, and badness. The choice is yours to make, but to achieve moral goodness, you have to make that decision and live by it.

If you want to develop goodness, choose to be morally good.

Demonstrate Kindness with Your Body Language

You ever notice that person that looks as if they clearly do not want to be where they are? I mean physically, they look as if they are completely disinterested in the physical location they are in or the company that they are keeping? They might not tell you, but you realize that they are not present or engaged. How do you know this? You can read it in their body language.

Many times, our bodies will speak even when we are not. Our feet may be pointed away from the person that we are standing there speaking with. Our arms are crossed. We are looking away, or worse, we have our noses buried in our phones.

Good open body language can demonstrate kindness to others. We have already spoken about greetings, but what about when we are in a social setting and we find ourselves alone. Sure, it can be easy to take on the “whoa is me” body language and pout around the room like Eeyore, but you picked up this book for a reason. You don’t want to be that person anymore.

Some suggestions: instead of crossing your arms, place your hands on your hips or straight down along your sides. Point your feet at the person that you are speaking with, or the person that you are waiting to speak with. If you are at a cocktail party and may be meeting new people, keep your drink in your left hand—assuming most people will be shaking hands with their right hand. And for goodness sakes, put a dang smile on your face.

If you want to develop kindness, start with positive open body language.

Testing the Patience of Others

We may not realize it, but there are several times each day that someone has more than likely lost their patience with us. When I am impatient with another motorist and follow a little more closely than they prefer, I’m sure I have pushed their patience as well. Or maybe we have been on the other side of that exchange and we are the motorist that cannot figure out where we need to go. Our eyes are telling us one thing but the GPS is telling us something altogether different. Wouldn’t we want others to be patient with us? Think about a time when you started a new job and things had to be explained to you. There is a learning curve to everything. I have a feeling that maybe that is why more people do not try new things. We are worried that we might not be proficient in the beginning and that other will lose their patience with us. Well, I can tell you they probably will. Should that matter to us? No, but we should continue to demand excellence from ourselves and not just quit or do a half-hearted job.

I have the blessing and the curse of being extremely self-confident. When I am asked to do a job, I typically say yes without considering whether or not I am immediately qualified or competent. The thing is, I know that I can figure it out. I’m not afraid to take social risks. In other words, I bite off more than I can chew often. I hope that people are more patient with me than I probably would be if I were in their position. The best way to ensure their patience with us, is to start demonstrating patience with others. And when things aren’t going your way, learn to be patient with yourself. Learn to ask others to be patient with you.

If you want to develop patience, learn to be patient with yourself.

Building My Mental Gym

In his book “The Way of the SEAL,” Commander Mark Divine discusses the practice of visualization. He refers to this area as your mental gym. We often work on our physical fitness at the gym, so why not have a gym to exercise our body mentally. Hopefully I don’t lose you in this section, and you are certainly going to get to know a side of me that previously only a handful of people have learned about me.

The mental gym is where you go to focus on your visualization. This is where we picture things happening to us and us having success before doing it in real life. For example, I practice my speeches in my mental gym. Everything from how many people will be there to what type of room the speech will be held in. It is not necessarily limited to performing tasks in the mental gym. When I want to pray deeply about something this is where I go. And sometimes, I just spend the time breathing.

So, let’s set up your mental gym. What I love about the mental gym is Commander Divine says that it can look anyway we want it to look. Naturally I chose for my mental gym to look like Coronado Beach. The walls are cut way similar to a gazebo and the floor is clear so that I can see the sand of the beach. I visualize myself wearing solid white pants and top similar to a karate gi (I don’t do karate so not sure where this comes from but it is relaxing). There are monitors hanging up that I can use when needed. I can feel the warmth of the sun and can hear the crashing waves of the ocean. And yes, on occasion, I get into the ocean.

My mental gym is downstairs from my regular mental state if you will. I take ten steps down breathing deeply with each step. Once I reach my mental gym automatic doors open and I enter.

Commander Divine also encourages you to have a guardian of your mental gym. I am a Christian, so naturally my mental gym guardian is Jesus Christ. Now you see why this is where I go for deep prayer. Without weirding you out too much, I can tell you that I have had many great conversations with Jesus in my mental gym. Yes, he speaks to me, and mainly teaches me lessons that I already know, but sometimes (well most times) am not implementing the way that I should be. My mental gym guardian is not always in the gym, but I know that he is protecting my mental gym and keeping negativity out of there.

Sometimes in my mental gym, all I do is breathing exercises and I intently try to clear my mind as I will discuss below.

If you want to develop peace, build your own mental gym.

What Are You On?

My wife thought that I had gotten on medication to alter my mood. That is what a transformative affect “bringing the joy” had on my life. This is understandable when you have spent the previous two years going through life like a robot and the eighteen years prior to that as a staunch realist. The glass wasn’t just half full for me, it was overflowing and people were starting to notice. My salt had regained its saltiness. I was the candle on the mantle to light the entire room. I had prayed to God for this. I prayed to be a light in the dark lives of others in hopes of leading others to a fulfilling life.

If you want to develop joy, be a ray of sunshine in someone’s cloudy day.

Love the Ones You’re With

When I went through my transformation, I had to have a plan and take small actions to begin to show love to others. I still have to be intentional about this and I struggle, believe me. It was not as if I woke up one day and said, “I love all people and I am going to make sure everyone knows it.” That would have been a little wacky and there really is no way to just wake up one day and be able to extend that much action toward the entire population. Only God is capable of that, and given the fact that I sink like a stone in bodies of water, it is safe to say that I am still human.

I started with God. It is incredibly easy to blame God for things that we cannot control. I have been doing it for years. I used to be quicker to blame God for all of the wrong in my life than I was to thank Him for the good. I started praying to God for wisdom in how to show love to others, but mainly how to show Him that love. God will open doors when you pray for them. They may not be the doors that you want, and they may not be obvious doors, but he will in fact open doors and give you the wisdom that you seek. There were no acts of goodness that I could perform that would make God love me more. God loves us as we are and that love is never ending. As a feeble human, I cannot reciprocate that. I mentioned in the intro that my career path has not gone as planned. In fact, not much in my life has gone according to my plan. And while the control freak in me does everything I can to adjust and correct the course, I had to be at peace with whatever comes my way knowing that I will use it to glorify God. That is what God showed me in how to show him love. Give him the glory. Be a light for others to lead them to God. That is how I have tried to live my life since my transformation. And as stated before, not always successfully. We must be intentional about love all of the time.

I began loving myself. I used to be really hard on myself. If I was not able to be the best at something, I would relentlessly and unmercifully degrade myself. That little voice in our heads is pretty powerful, and we cannot escape it. If we are saying negative things to ourselves over and over, we start to believe them. Would you say the negative things that you say in your head to someone else? I hope not. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes slip back into that pattern, but I have learned tactics to put an end to the negative talk. This has resulted is a greater tolerance for myself which has allowed me to be kinder to others. I think before I speak; to others as well as to myself. Now instead of projecting negative feelings about myself onto total strangers, I am able to show them grace and give them the benefit of the doubt when they behave in a way that I do not understand.

I then moved to loving my spouse more. I have always loved my spouse and that will never change. What I had allowed to happen though was to place impossible expectations on her. I tend to be all in when there is a goal. If it is a job worth doing, then it is worth being great at and being the best around. I tend to place those expectations on others and my spouse was no different. As I prayed to God for wisdom in how to love my wife, the very first thing that was revealed to me was to be present. Not just in a physical sense, but also emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. It is easy to come home from work and take out the old smartphone and read what is going on in social media land. Or to flop down on the couch and start watching the game, or a movie I have seen a hundred times before. What I needed to do was to connect with my wife. While my wife and I have been married for over twenty years, there are still things that I do not know about her. And if your spouse is anything like mine, some of those things that you know about them may have changed over the past twenty years. We are on this bouncing ball called Earth for a very short time. I committed to my wife to be with her until that time ends. I decided it was time to understand that my days were numbered and I want to know everything about her. I want to look at her face and notice every feature. I want to make her smile and hear her laugh. It is hard to do that when you face is buried in a smart phone. Presence brings about closeness, and closeness brings about love. Besides that, when I am loving to my wife it makes her happy. And when she is happy, I am happy. It makes way more sense than being angry or annoyed with her, don’t you think?

It goes without saying that I loved my children. I began showing love by standing back and just being a parent. I have coached the majority of my children’s athletic teams over the years. It has provided us with a bond that cannot be broken. As they get older and become adults, they often come to me for advice. Advice that they are not seeking however is how they played while driving home from the game. I learned to leave the coach at the field and get into the car and just be Dad. Telling them how proud of them that I was. Telling them that I love watching them play. I used to have to take a separate car to the games because I could not turn it off after the game. If you’re reading this and your parent was your coach you know what I am talking about. If you coach your children, leave the coach at the field. They don’t belong in your car on the way home. That bond becomes even stronger when you do.

I began to love others. You know, “people.” The “people” that I used to think were stupid for cutting me off in traffic. Maybe that person just got some really bad news and all they can think about is getting home to the ones that they love to feel some comfort. Maybe they just didn’t see me driving in the lane. I mean really, is it worth it to be angry with that person? Does it accomplish my mission? The answer was no. Trust me, God gave me and continues to give me people to love on a daily basis, if you know what I mean. They may not meet my expectations, but I still love them. It is OK that they don’t meet my expectations. They don’t even know what my expectations are. Not to mention, how can they meet my expectations when I can’t even meet my own expectations and I have plenty of notice as to what they are.

If you want to develop love, identify those you need to love immediately.

It’s Not All Roses, Rainbows, and Unicorns

Proceed with caution. If and/or when you read my book, No Law, I feel that I should warn you: once you start living your life intentionally according to the No Law principles, your life may not necessarily become simpler. As I’ve stated before, when I am trying to be patient is typically when my patience gets tested the most.

In the book, I also state repeatedly not to expect your actions and your behavior to be reciprocated. Just because you are kind to someone does not mean that they will be kind back. But again, the book isn’t about changing the behavior of others. It is meant to change your life. There are times when you will want to take the easy way out and be indifferent to others. Strong caution, you are doing this for you, not for others. You wanted to make the change. You cannot force your will upon others. It is your choice. Your life. Make the changes. Expect a little hardship, maybe even a great deal of hardship. But if you endure, you will feel much more fulfilled on a daily basis. Life is too short to live in the opposite way of the No Law principles.